First, I want to acknowledge the value of having a friend who can hold a powerful space for me in which I can do my own work in the context of a session. It takes courage to be silent with someone on the phone and trust that they are having their own experience whether they are speaking about it or not. I know, because I’ve been on the holding space end of it before, many times. There is a tendency to want to make something happen so that I know I am being effective in my guidance. So often, it’s just not necessary to do anything but be present.
In my previous post, I mentioned my friend Lisa, with whom I trade phone sessions each week. It was two weeks ago that I had the big session where Queen Radiant Ease emerged (see previous post). I knew there was more work to do, because I was feeling confused and restless as well as experiencing depression-like symptoms. As the session began, I started speaking about all of this, and once again, I was taken into a brand new inner reality.
In my inner vision, there was a pond and lots of fall colors with leaves scattered on the ground and the surface of the pond. There was a log in the pond, and I was immediately shown a little girl (my own inner child) standing on the log and spinning it, barely keeping her balance. She communicated without words, “This is what you have been doing.” I breathed into that revelation. Then she let me know, “It’s okay to let go and fall in.” And she did just that. I thought she would be cold, but she came up smiling and laughing. As she climbed out of the water, I wrapped a towel around her and we sat on a blanket under the trees. There was a picnic basket, and she wanted hot chocolate. With whipped cream.
I’ve done a great deal of inner child work, with myself and with others, and written about it extensively in my book. This was a whole new experience. Little Kim (my childhood name) was older than I’ve ever seen her before, around 10. There was no energy of wounding around her at all. This was my COMPLETELY HEALED (or perhaps totally unwounded) little girl. Her hair was white blond and shiny, her smile and her manner easy, and her energy playful and light. At some point, she placed her own hands on herself, heart and yoni, to show me that she was comfortable with her own body. I was amazed.
At this time, I chose to invite a friend with whom I have unhealed issues to come into the space, and she came and sat down on the blanket with us. I had some things I wanted to say to her, to help clear and heal the energy between us. I had been feeling quite heavy-hearted about what was incomplete in the space between us, and I decided that I did not want to wait for her, I did not want to depend on something outside of myself to feel better.
I asked if her little girl would like to come out, and a girl of about 10 emerged from her and took off to play with Little Kim. They seemed very glad to see each other. The adult version of her did not speak, but her shape changed into the Venus of Willendorf shape, with large breasts and thighs and no clearly defined head. She was still as a statue and about the same color. I spoke to her about my love and respect for her, and my gratitude to her for all of our time together, and I acknowledged that we are always connected through our little girls as well as through our higher Goddess selves, even when our human selves are acting from their pain bodies. I completed with her, and invited her little girl to merge with her again. The little girls were saying goodbye, sad to part. They played a game of patty cake where they put their hands on each other’s hearts. During this part of the vision, as I spoke it out lout, I made that motion with my own hand. As I hit my heart center a little too hard, I felt how tender my heart is right now after being somewhat armored over the past year or so.
I saw her three parts, maiden, mother, and queen or goddess, and it showed me that this is the gift I was being shown right now… my maiden Little Kim, free of her wounding; my current human self, in a mother phase of giving birth to Reclaiming Aphrodite workshops; and my goddess self, Queen Radiant Ease. I’m sure there’s a crone in there somewhere, but it’s not quite her time yet.
Her little girl merged with the Venus, and they dissolved into the earth. I placed my hands on the earth in blessings and goodbye. I turned to Little Kim, and she invited me to lie down. She placed her hands on me, taking the healer role. She told me (again, not with words) that she can show me how to be easy and playful with responsibility, a how to have fun with wisdom.
She showed me the log again, and how to fall off the spinning log. I surrendered into taking a turn, and after a moment of spinning, I allowed myself to fall into the water. I thought it would be cold, but it was not. It was welcoming and comfortable. I realized that this pond is a portal, a place to journey deeper from. There is an invitation to return and dive deeper into other dimensions that this portal leads to. I don’t know what they are yet, but I’m excited to find out. Little Kim reminded me that when I was little, I thought I could breathe underwater. She said I still can, in this place.
Now, I feel as though I have a foot in each of two worlds. One part of me still resides in the old paradigm, where I am a pessimist, I easily take a martyr stance, and everything is black and white. And at times, I feel the gratitude, my feelings right on the surface, sometimes joy and sometimes sadness. I never know where I’m going to find myself, and when I’m in the old place, I can witness it… but can’t quite shift it yet. It’s a very deep process of integration and releasing what no longer works. I’m thankful for people around me who can reflect with love and compassion what they are seeing, knowing that I am doing my work, patient and understanding. I have full faith in the process, and trust that the old pieces will fall away as my denser physical body integrates the cellular changes and the new neural pathways that are being forged.
I have declared my intention to teach women about the power of emptiness as part of the feminine. I also know that I cannot and will not teach anything that I am not fully embodying. I know that I am being prepared in all ways to bring my particular mission and soul’s expression to the world. I am ready for whatever is next.
Blessed Be, Amrita