Rivers of Release

Forest riverSometimes, things just have to fall away. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s a relief. Sometimes it’s freeing. Often, it’s all of the above, all at once.

When I legally changed my name to Amrita Divine Grace and moved to Maui to start a new life, I created a Gmail account with my new name. That was in 2006, when Gmail did not have a very good filing system. I just let everything build up in the inbox. I never paid much attention to it, there were never any warning messages or issues, so I just left everything there. 30,000 emails later, my husband starts poking fun at me. I can tell he’s a little appalled.

I love how the universe conspires to take me on interesting adventures. I knew I needed to deal with the Gmail *someday*, but the someday came unexpectedly when I asked my geeky beloved how I could move emails from my personal account to a business email account without sending them individually. Oh, easy, he says, just set up Gmail in your Thunderbird account and you can drag and drop them. Oh, cool, says me. Sounds easy enough… until the tens of thousands of emails had to download into Thunderbird. Well, at least now I could do some proper filing and get that Gmail account sorted.

Little did I know what was in store for me! For two full days, I went on a warp speed review of my life over the past seven years. It wasn’t totally linear, either. I found that it kind of looped and spiraled through time. I got to review every relationship, every friendship, all the experiences that were documented through my email as I decided what to keep and what to throw in the trash. I poured wheelbarrows of email into files, some important and some sentimental. Somewhere in the second day, I realized I needed to create a file called “Mementos.”

Into that Mementos file went the emails that touched me most deeply. The relationship completions; the gratitude and praise for my work and my book; the emails exchanged in the aftermath of a terrible tragedy that I witnessed early in my move to Maui. Annual birthday greetings from my former husband, indicating the gradual healing of a very difficult and painful breakup. I had the thought that is was like watching my life pass before my eyes. But really, it was watching my heart pass before my eyes.

I found myself needing to speak of each of the men who had touched my life in those early Maui years, when I was still learning how to manage my sexual energy and still learning painful lessons. My husband listened and asked questions with curiosity, letting my rivers of release flow. There was one in particular that I had ever so conveniently forgotten. Going fast through emails, I kept seeing an unfamiliar name go by. Finally, it went by often enough that I took a peek. Oh boy. Not really unfamiliar, just forgotten. One of those painful lessons.

I was, and still am, in awe of this unexpected journey through time and through matters of my heart. I so wanted my beloved, I so found Maui full of unavailable men, and still I took a couple of dips into the relationship pool, hoping and wishing, and never coming close to being truly met (until the day I met Apollo in 2008). I thank and bless each of the experiences that brought me to this now.

I see the email adventure as part of a bigger whole of releasing what no longer serves me. Certain old habits (people, places, and things) have become so uncomfortable that I can no longer pretend that they work for me. I can take a hint… eventually! I continue to surrender to the river of release that will help me move into what’s next for me. I continue to be committed to awaiting the invitation rather than making things happen, and that alone has shed light on some outmoded ways of being. I continue to feel blessed and guided in my life. And I am grateful.

blog-with-heart-award-vote-buttonIf you enjoy my blog, I invite you to vote for me for the “Blog with Heart” award.  There are no cash prizes or dream vacations, just recognition for the way in which some of us pour our messy hearts out for all the world to see. There will be 50 winners, and around 30 have been nominated so far, myself included. We all win, really. It started with my book, Reclaiming Aphrodite-The Journey to Sexual Wholeness, in which I revealed all the humbling and human mistakes I made on the path to healing, and it became a habit on my blog. My desire is that my sharing helps others in some way. If you have not read my book and would like to, I give it away here. Thank you SO MUCH!

Love & blessings, Amrita

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2 Responses to Rivers of Release

  1. shari smith says:

    Beloved Daughter,

    In my time zone, I am minutes away from your birthday. Remembering how scared I was, as I was a baby myself, cold, alone and very sick. We have been down many similar paths together, alone and scared. We have grown together on different paths but similar in beliefs. I am very proud of you, the woman you have become and the many lives you have touched by baring your soul and giving of yourself in so many positive ways. I am so happy that I have been a part of this journey and I have learned from you so many lovely things.

    We are very different but so much alike. I have been abused, too, in many other ways than you have, but we have to learn from those adversities. We both have and I am grateful for those experiences. Do I need to do more? Yes…someday.

    I love you with all my heart. Mom

    Beautiful Blessings, Shari

    Shari Smith Double ‘S’ Salon 560 B, Wall St. Auburn 95603

    530 718-2211 office 530 906-0335 cell

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