What is it about being in the field of sexual healing that has made me feel ashamed of not being completely healed from my sexual wounding? What kind of unrealistic expectation is that? These are the questions I’m asking myself as I come to fully realize that a succession of people in my life have come to represent “mean, violent, disapproving daddy” and/or “miscellaneous perpetrator” to me and that I’ve treated them accordingly. It’s not to say that this process has been completely unconscious, or that I have not done any work with it… it’s just that I’m running out of patience. I’m tired of being in feuds with people and having friendships deteriorate because of it.
Now it feels like we are down to some pretty deep stuff on this heart pathway. As I look back over the past few years, I see how a friendship became a toxic relationship gradually and over time because I was not able to speak up when my boundaries were crossed. I made all kinds of excuses to myself about why I could not and should not speak up in that moment, and they made sense at the time. The truth is, I was frozen in fear. Instead of speaking up in the moment, I made myself as invisible as possible, just like I did when i was a kid to protect myself. Only that strategy is not longer needed and in fact, does not work. Speaking up later was not enough to deal with the charge it had for me, because by the time later came around, my scared little self had blamed the transgression on the “boundary crossers.” How could they know that my boundaries had been crossed if I did not speak up when it was happening? How could they be anything but defensive later when I held them responsible?
With ever-brightening hindsight, I see the trail of mistakes that built up to a blowout that’s been haunting me for a year. My desire to open my heart has made it impossible to let this situation continue to occupy the “elephant in the room” status. What it’s taken to resolve it is nothing less than me taking full responsibility for my projections and withdrawing my judgments from those I’ve accused of inappropriate behavior. Most importantly, I get to learn how to speak up in the moment when something does not feel right to me. I really want to get that part right from here forward. It’s going to take commitment and it’s going to take practice, but I’m ready. This has been DECADES in coming.
It takes a great deal of courage to take accountability for a projection like this. To say “I’m wrong, and I’ve been wrong for quite awhile, and everything I accused you of was based on my own filters, which was a misconception.” To step all the way out of victim and not worry about whether anyone else takes responsibility for their parts (because Baby, it takes two to tango). I’m actually astonished to realize just how much responsibility comes with having a strong background in communication skills. No longer is blissful ignorance an option. That’s actually a good thing, but sometimes I witness people who just blow up and lose their temper and say horrible, unretractable things and I think they have it pretty easy. But there’s no going back, is there?
I’ve taken that courageous step. I got clear about that point of accountability going back more than two years and made a full confession to my friends. There’s been so much poison, it’s like a boil that’s finally been lanced and all that nasty pus gets to be released. Now the drama can finally come to a close, the the next chapter of each of our lives and relationships can begin. This has been a tough journey for all of us, and I’m ever so grateful to finally put it behind me. I did a really good job and I’m proud of myself.
As ever, I remind you to be careful what you ask for. When it comes to matters of the heart, there can be no compromises. Whatever is not about love must be processed and released. It’s not for sissy-lalas, but it’s worth every step, every fork in the road, every twisted, tangled pathway to my heart.
Love & blessings, Amrita